*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
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Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
not seeing the problem
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.