Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
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I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.