Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
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Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Breaking news:
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like