I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I just love that new Pope smell.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.