Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
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You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka