me before I type out affect or effect
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Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
spicy snake
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I put the mess in domestic.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!