There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
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Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.