Seductively sings in Klingon.
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me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
This is my brand.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I just tested negative for patience.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
good work, detective
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.