I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.