Traveler’s camo
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i hate you platonically
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Whoa 😂
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”