I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
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To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Wait a minute
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️