Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
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The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.