[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
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Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
mathematically impossible
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.