Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
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god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
what’s more important?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk