Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Breaking news:
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*