I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
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Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I’m not stressed
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.