Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
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subtitles are so good nowadays
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”