I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
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Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
my nickname in college
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.