thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
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I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.