My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
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[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one