me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
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My five year plan is a meteorite
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!