Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
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Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.