My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
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Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
HELP 😭
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Happy Caturday!
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated