me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
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Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
how long have you had this for?
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.