Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
This kid will have a bright future.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.