Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
You Might Also Like
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation