Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
You Might Also Like
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink