Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
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True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.