“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
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nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.