Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
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[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.