you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
23. the denim jacket
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
the dark web is just a goth google.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom