just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
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I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.