There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>