A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
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Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place