Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
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DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
mathematically impossible
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
this is the news I live for
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses