My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
You Might Also Like
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
some cats are just doing for fun!
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over