sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
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Egyptians don’t walk like that.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART