I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
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