When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
You Might Also Like
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away