Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
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Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I really had high hopes for this year though
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me