Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
This a good idea
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.