The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
You Might Also Like
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
What fresh Hell is this?!?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all