Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
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Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
May have had one breakfast too many
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives