We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
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You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I enjoy a good short stor
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours