imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn