perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
You Might Also Like
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
hmmm
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Möther may I have a snäck
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.