Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
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Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS