I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
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My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.