[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
You Might Also Like
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Become a minion. Get that bread.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol