The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
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Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
good for her
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.